I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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