thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
