Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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