I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
