highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
