I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Two words: nipple clamps
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