he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
