Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
