I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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