last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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