I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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