At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
