sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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