I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
