please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
