she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
