Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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