Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
