there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i need some magic done to my vagina
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize