I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
