dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
