I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
