If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
