Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
