I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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