I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
