Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
