apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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