I wish I could teleport
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
