Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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