all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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