i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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