I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize