Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize