i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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