Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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