i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
