just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
