but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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