dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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