I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
whose parrot is this?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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