Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
