Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
