I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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