At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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