his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
