you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize