I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize