apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
