Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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