I think I won the penis lottery.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
