Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
