I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Buhtt sex?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
