Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
