Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He did a backflip because drugs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
