WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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