Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
