I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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