She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
