the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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