you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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